There's always another chance to re write your book!

I’m going to start this by saying that I have been incredibly fortunate in my life to have grown up privileged, to have had the choice of moving abroad (many times!), to have had a supportive and loving family, and to have met countless amounts of wonderful friends from all over the globe. I am writing this to pass no judgement, but more to challenge what I deem as a somewhat romanticised way of looking at life.

I have spent the last 9.5 years away from where I grew up, moving from place to place, building new lives in each, experiencing, running. holding on. Trial and error. 

I can assure you though, that none of this was “meant to happen”. My sporadic but exciting life thus far was not pre destined for me. I no longer believe that this journey I created for myself was part of some higher plan. There were no specific reasons for how it has all unfolded.

“Everything happens for a reason” is a cop out. It’s an excuse. It’s a piece of advice given when there is little genuine empathy. It’s something we tell ourselves to mask the fact that we fucked up. It’s a hope to cling on to. A belief that there is some higher reason as to why things have not gone the way we had hoped or planned.

Something to keep us warm at night. To keep us contented in our current direction. Or maybe to explain why we did not hold on. Why we ran.

If there is one skill I’ve acquired and perfected into a fine art; it’s my profound ability to run. To run when I cannot envision the road ahead. To quite dramatically throw my hands in the air, and leave everything behind; to seemingly start fresh when things don’t seem to create a scenic view. Heading into the unknown does not phase or scare me. Nor does leaving a life that I have poured my heart and soul in to build. I used to believe that my life was pre destined, and when things started to go a little west of this envisioned destiny, I assumed it was just ‘meant' to happen like that. When I chose to let go of a childhood dream, I put it down to destiny. When I ran from a place that got a little challenging, when lost sight of the view, I believed it was was all fate. When I was fired on the spot from the job that prompted my most recent move, part of me hoped that there was in fact a higher reason as to why things had unfolded like so.

I don’t believe in fate anymore. Our choices, our fuck ups, our changes in the road, our decisions that we (dare I say it!) come to regret, are simply a series of events have brought us to where we are. However, our successes, the memories held closest, the risky paths leading to the most glorious view, were also a string of decisions made by US. Because to an extent, we do create our own destiny. Yes, there are, and will be, unexpected and unfortunate hooks and turns in the road. But the way we CHOOSE to react; the way in which we CHOOSE to become stronger, is a decision made internally. Fate does not define you. You define you. Your choices, your decisions, your reactions, your LEARNINGS are what define you.  

I understand, however, that this may sound incredibly negative. It’s not, believe me. It is empowering. An incredibly liberating view! I am trying to challenge your accountability. I am challenging my own accountability. We are often just one small decision away from leading a completely different existence. From discovering and paving an entirely fresh path. One decision away from painting a fresh picture. And one thought away from altering the way we perceive the view. We are under every right to latch on to those things that warm our entire being, just as we are free to let go of what no longer sets us on fire. It is all conscious choice. It is conscious accountability. 

Learn to hang on a little tighter when things start to get uncomfortable. But do not be afraid to actively let go when your heart changes direction. Look back at what you regret. Choose acceptance. Take the responsibility. But also decide wholeheartedly to move on, to get stronger, to charge forward with fire. Do not let mistakes, regrets and successes fully define your self worth. Follow those instinctual gut feelings, but take responsibility for the outcome. Cling on with fierce strength to what you so clearly envision, but head into the future with a sincere openness to change. Lose any judgement based on expectation of the outcome, and create something magical from the journey. Because, whether or not it was “meant to be”, life will unfold, and we alone hold the power to create the map that leads to an ever changing destination. 

So maybe my string of decisions, both impulsive and carefully calculated, leading up to this very moment, were in fact all part of the plan that this never ending universe has mapped out for me. Not that it matters. Because taking accountability for each decision, brain, heart, and gut, is empowering. It is freedom. Responsibility for my self worth. This is power. Permission to live each feeling in full. Permission to follow my gut, heart or head into another new horizon. Accountability in the way I chose to react. In the way I chose to feel. And in the way in which I strive to love. 

For me, this is a life lived in FULL. It is a life lived with PURPOSE. Because, it is an active CHOICE to become the artist of your own life.