HE UGLY PART OF HAPPINESS
WARNING. This may offend, but in no way is it intended to do so. I am not commenting on clinically diagnosed depression or those dealing with it. I am in no way stating that it is normal or OKAY to be very low for an extended period of time. I am however, commenting on the human nature to feel highs, lows, and everything in-between.
I am not writing this to pass extreme judgement. I am writing this to hold myself accountable.
As many in especially my generation, I am notorious for constantly seeking MORE. imagining and lusting over the ‘perfect’ life in a completely different place and situation to where I currently am. This image is a life that my overly excited brain deems BETTER and more fulfilling.
What good does all of this envisioning do if I am not actually LIVING and EXPERIENCING all that my actual life has to offer? It is only fitting that this notion of greener pastures elsewhere has quite directly lead me on the rather interesting and spontaneous path of the last year in my somewhat scattered life. I have, and still am, experiencing the repercussions of it all.
This particular blog post started roughy a year ago as I prepared to leave Hong Kong. After a rather spontaneous decision to very suddenly move over, and leave Melbourne seemingly without looking back. Only I did look back. I convinced myself that I was not happy in Hong Kong, and that Melbourne had so much more to offer me. I did not allow myself to feel the stress and difficulty of moving somewhere new. I expected that I would immediately be blissfully happy in a new exciting city that is bigger, better, and a whole lot busier. Instead of riding all of the waves that came my way, I retreated and left that vibrant, fun, and energetic city because I was so convinced I could be happier back here.
I WAS SO WRONG.
I read a while ago that happiness was not wanting to be anywhere else, doing anything else, or with anyone else.
#inspo #fitspo #lifehack
#fuckthat. Happiness is not a hastag.
Like many inspirational quotes, it’s a pretty vague one. So, let me break it all down. Let’s discuss this. I’m going to be brutally real. Because it’s human to do so.
Happiness tends to be felt in fleeting moments that pass by just a little too quickly. Even if a lasting one, these moments just seem to leave before we can really indulge and take it all in. So what about this space in between? Where you might feel sad, low, angry, or simply just NOTHING at all. Does this mean that we are ‘unhappy”.
NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT. We are human.
Society, Facebook, Instagram….especially instagram, consistently slams us square in the face with images, videos, and #lifequotes that portray only the skillfully manicured, contoured, and blow waved parts of peoples lives. What we obsess and lust over are those (real or not real, you decide…) perfectly filtered pictures. #picoftheday. What we tend to envision of our own lives, is this same glossed overview that displays the featured highlights only. We do NOT see or take into consideration the shit in-between. This is the glue. It keeps us grounded, learning, and evolving. And it is the ugly part of happiness. It is human to be ugly. I believe that overall happiness is about being comfortable with being UNCOMFORTABLE. It’s about being okay to ride the lows, and to genuinely feel them. Feeling is experiencing. Experiencing is learning. Learning is empowering. Being empowered is LIVING.
Happiness is constantly changing, evolving, evaluating. I have never referred to myself as being depressed, yet in this last year have so honestly seen some of the lowest lows (however short lived they may have been) of my life thus far. During these phases I am quite numb, I have no appetite (for my standards..), and will train on less food as a mode of control. I’ll usually drop a little weight rather quickly, which (god damn it!) always comes back on again once I return to a normal binge eating hormonal woman. I’m no sleeper usually, but at this time will sleep over 8 hours at night when possible, taking any opportunity to nap in the day. I’ll switch on the personality for work, and the odd social occasion, but the rest of the time is spent in somewhat of a daze. I am always 100% aware that it is happening too. Not even delusional about it. To know me on the surface you would NEVER see this, I have more of a resting smirk face than bitch face, and (I blame the ADHD) can be as hyperactive as a small dog. I love pretty fiercely, and live life so passionately. HOWEVER, what goes up most certainly comes down. And perhaps in this last year, a little too much of the down. Each wave though, was rode in full, and each time I have come back a little stronger, with a little more belief that this is not defining my ‘happiness’.
Happiness certainly requires a degree of ONGOING presence. In no way however is it realistic or possible to be 100% ’in the moment’. Let’s move on, because it is human to be looking to the future, and remembering the past. You carry your past experiences through to the present and future. This is your strength and light. Those moments when your entire face breaks into laughter at a memory triggered. That is not something to forget about. The warmth that floods your chest at the memory of the last adventure had. That is fire. Excitement for the future. Plans to move forward, to push your game a little more, to take yourself to a point where you might get just a little UNCOMFORTABLE. Happiness. It’s one artful balancing act.
Ongoing happiness requires this same presence of your relationships. Friendships, family and lovers (as complicated as that term is these days!). Remaining present in social interactions. Commitment to give these people YOUR PRESENCE. Being so genuinely present in these interactions, is a key ingredient to this ongoing happiness we are all searching for. One of the most wonderful friends I have made in my entire life, Shannon Marconi, a wee american firecracker, taught me the beauty of being fully present in friendship, and it is something that I will never let go of. These sorts of relationships do define your happiness, and it is a seriously beautiful thing.
So yes, to a degree happiness is not wanting to be anywhere else. Because you are here with a strength from the past, and a belief in direction headed. An acceptance that you can still be present whilst maintaining both past and future. It is not wanting to be doing anything else. Because you are aware that you are HUMAN, and constantly changing, comfortable with being uncomfortable. You allow yourself to genuinely FEEL the shit, without deeming that there is something wrong because your are not blissfully happy 100% of the time. It is about not wanting to be with anyone else. Because you commit to complete presence in your relationships with friends, family, lovers, and YOURSELF. This is human. This is happiness. It is both beautiful and ugly.
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