Through the eyes of a millennial...The REALITY of moving around

Through the eyes of a millennial...

This is the REALITY of moving around. The REALITY of balancing both holding on and letting go. The reality of how this life can AFFECT you. In both the positive, and slightly less glamorous ways.

The millennial generation are a group of travellers. We take gap years, move from one spot to the next, and spend months away at a time ‘finding ourselves’. We live with a somewhat selfish sense of non attachment. It is not in our blood to sit still, it is not in our nature to stay content; We seem to constantly search for, and lust over a life that is a little more exciting, adventurous, and fulfilling than the one we are currently living in.

Wow. That sounds incredibly negative.

It’s not. Believe me. It’s seriously wonderful- the fact that we have the option to go somewhere else and live a whole new life. The fact that our overly excited brains are not allowing us to stay stagnant. We are exposed to people from different cultures. We are tried and tested in the challenges of starting fresh. And with each move, we get a little more worldly. A little wiser. We get a little bit stronger. Right?

Not always.

It gets tiring. A life of travelling, living abroad, constantly moving is only portrayed in a positive light. Society, Facebook, Instagram….especially instagram, consistently slams us square in the face with images, videos, and #lifequotes that portray only the skillfully manicured, contoured, and blow waved parts of peoples lives. What your friends and family see are those (real or not real, you decide…) perfectly filtered pictures or videos. People do NOT see or take into consideration the shit in-between. And with good reason, 

because who actually wants talk about the negative parts?

BULLSHIT. I do. Here it is. Because this is honesty, and has been real for me since I left home in NZ at age 18.

Stick with me here- it’s going to end positively…

I wouldn’t say I’ve done a great deal of travel per say- it’s more that I have moved and built a new life seven times now (my confused accent say’s it all).  It has already been one hell of a journey to say the least, and in all honesty, there are so many decisions I’d go back and change. I am your standard millennial. Commitment gives me anxiety. I have a hyperactive and inquisitive mind. One that lusts over a life that is a whole lot BETTER elsewhere. But also one that believes in myself and will risk taking the less comfortable road in hope that it might turn into something beautiful. 

Eight years ago I moved from New Zealand to Canada to study and pursue dance as a career. Straight from high school, 20 hours away from the incredible base I had grown up with. Straight into full time training, part time working, and a whole lot of self imposed expectation as to how my life would look like and pan out. I would graduate, audition for as long as it took to land something. Eventually reach my pinnacle of performing, earning a living doing what I had always loved so much. It seemed very simple and straightforward. But it took years for me to feel at home, and somewhat stable and grounded. There were points at which I was so intent on leaving. I guess I learnt to be incredibly strict and stubborn with myself, and most importantly, my emotions.

Five years ago I was preparing to move from Canada to London to pursue this planned dance career. I longed to acquire the style that the contemporary dance scene over there possessed. I so strongly envisioned the end point where I was performing for one of my dream companies in a huge theatre. Strangely enough, I did not take into account the reality of this life. The reality of the not so glamorous shit in between. I started working what seemed like five jobs "on the side", all of which I dreaded going to. London is an energetic, satisfying and vibrant (when it's sunny...) city. It is both stimulating and calming; the first, and only place I have ever felt truly at home. Everything is accepted. London embody's life as I live it. It was here that I strayed off my own path, found an excitement for fitness, and a way to express myself through this work instead. 

This newfound passion only grew with my next chapter. Melbourne saw the push and pull of my own expectations. It saw a very bumpy transition into fitness; the letting go of what had kept me afloat with a sense of purpose for all this time away. The moment I stopped validating my life on whether or not I achieved this envisioned dance plan, was the moment I really started to live. It was the moment I started to see what was not right for me, what was not serving me. It was the moment I so very clearly saw that I had only been dreaming of the end point; the retouched pinnacle, without falling in love with the journey.

Dreams change. Passions change. Change is life.

Hence came a rather impulsive move to Hong Kong, three months in, a swift return back to Melbourne. Followed by a three month jaunt around the globe that was my dealing with the lack of passion and direction in my life. Post jaunt, I somehow ended up back to Melbourne, and now finally (whatever that may mean) I've found myself in Sydney. My second return to Melbourne was a  rather unsettled time that forced me to address my pent up issues surrounding the notion of leaving.

Backtracking to Hong Kong.

I spontaneously intended a fresh start in this bustling, confined, yet hilariously special place that is Hong Kong. Left Melbourne seemingly without looking back. Only I did look back. I convinced myself that I was not happy in Hong Kong, and that Melbourne still had so much more to offer me. I did not allow myself to feel the stress and difficulty of moving somewhere new. I expected that I would be a whole new Danielle; immediately blissfully happy in a new exciting city that is bigger, better, and a whole lot busier. I expected that I would find something to latch onto. A passion to hold me accountable again. I was running. Instead of riding all of the waves that came my way, I retreated and left that vibrant, fun, and energetic city because I was so convinced that Melbourne's grass was a whole lot greener. Running again.

I WAS SO WRONG.

Up until this last move, what I’ve found the hardest to deal with over these past eight years are the goodbyes. Each place I've left behind, it’s been me letting go of fragments of who I am .Wear and tear. Eventually it felt as if little pieces of my soul were scattered around the globe.

Dramatic? Absolutely. But, brutally honest.

It sounds like I am sad most of the time, and I can assure this is certainly NOT the case- I certainly know how to have FUN, and live life in a way that I describe as being 0-100. All or nothing. Give like 20,000 fucks, or keep it to 0. Leaving a place, and starting fresh is, and has been, second nature. Because, when you start somewhere new, it’s a chance to also become someone new, and to leave your old and somewhat disjointed self behind. I would move onward to my next destination in desperation to re invent myself. But what you also leave behind are the people you meet, the experiences you have, and as corny/overdone as it may sound, the lessons you learn.

My favourite Rumi quote is "Life is a balance of holding on and letting go". Hold on to the things that keep your fire churning. That is your strength. Those memories that light up your entire being. That is not something to forget about.  Let go of expectation and what does not serve you. Learn from the those decisions that, dare I say it, you regret. Address them. Analyse why. Own up to them. ABSORB it all in full. Use ALL of this, and do not leave it behind.

It was this expectation of becoming a new edition of myself that had me retreating inward move after move. It was the pain with every goodbye that stopped me living each change in full. And for a while it was self expectation that kept me running from what was not working. I was running from the shit without a real sense of direction. Everything, including the ugly, comes with you though. You can’t run from it, but you certainly can use it.

So, finally, I believe I have stopped running. In no way does this mean I will stop travelling or moving place. In no way does this mean I will stay contented when I know that I have more to give. This does not mean that I am afraid to say goodbye again. What it does mean, though, is that I will no longer go somewhere new in order to ‘start fresh’. All experiences come with you to create the best version of you; the version that is brought forth, as a human/soul/being who is entirely whole. I believe this is a way that I can feel at home without needing to stay put in one place for the rest of my life. Why stay somewhere, or in a situation, that dampens your spirit and drains your energy? Why avoid change because your scared of falling apart?

So, it is not about staying put, creating a base, finding routine, in order to assemble yourself back together. It is about taking each and every piece of the puzzle along for the wild ride. This is the reality of moving around a lot. It is the reality of living a life full of spontaneous and instinctual changes. And it is the reality for this so called millennial way of living.  There are some low lows. There are moments where you don't feel as if you belong anywhere. And it is okay to admit defeat. But, this is a journey fuelled by fierce passion. It is a rewarding life driven by instinct. It is this shift in perspective that has allowed me to become stronger with change. It is this acceptance that will keep my hunger for life ALIVE.

Changing your direction is experiencing. Experiencing is learning. Learning is empowering. Being empowered is LIVING.