The reality of living with regrets.

#noregrets?
To say that I would not change a thing in my somewhat sporadic life is..well..bullshit. BUT, to say that I have learnt a great deal from all of the madness is much more realistic. It's human to regret. It's okay to look back and wish things had gone a little differently. It's completely normal to ponder on how life may have turned out had you have chosen another route. The beauty is that our lives now seem to offer multiple options at any given time. We are only ever one decision away from leading a completely different existence. And so often we can find ourselves at a crossroads where there is more than one trail of which we could embark on. And yet we are the the generation that seemingly cannot make decisions to save our lives. Funny that. We are presented with more options than ever, yet so struggle to come to a single decision due to FEAR OF MISSING OUT (FOMO if your hip like myself..) It is not reality to believe that we do not live with any sort of regret!

And I do not deem it as being necessarily negative. 

Regret is retrospective learning. Learning is moving forward. Moving forward is what we are all trying to do right? And sometimes that regret might prompt the smallest step back in order to keep powering through.

My life has seen me moving about country to country, city to city, job to job, consistently searching for something to hold me accountable. It's seen me run from the shit that was not working. It's seen me find new passions, and let go of old ones. It has seen me take risky paths in hope that they may turn into something worth the climb. So of course I have regrets. Things I wish I had done differently. Decisions I wish that I had not made so hastily. Those times I did not follow my initial gut instinct. But most of all, my biggest regrets come from natural ability to run when I start to lose a little faith.

Finally I'm going to be pretty honest with one of my biggest regrets to date..

Late January 2016 I had a sudden thought that I fancied moving to Hong Kong. That night, contacted a company, and ten minutes later had email back. One week from then a move date was set. 

No looking back.

Half of my friends and colleagues thought I'd lost the plot. The other half were not in any way surprised. 

Running.

I was told by some that Hong Kong was Asia's answer to London. That I'll feel at home again somewhere. I heard that it was everything you could want in one tiny, overly congested place. 

So I left Melbourne, a spread out, artsy, cultured, but very relaxed city, for Hong Kong. A place that is quite literally the opposite. It was't anything like London (the first place I felt as if I genuinely belonged); there are no pockets of calm within, there is no Banksy street art, there are no spacious green parks. It is Asia. It is not London, most definitely not Melbourne, and honestly I would not even liken it to New York. It's Hong Kong, and there really is no other metropolis quite like it.

People are everywhere. And I mean everywhere. I'm talking consistently in your space; attempt to politely swerve and miss an oncoming pedestrian, and I am telling you, you will get walked into. No avoiding it. Eyes do not look up from smartphones. Hong Kong is a free for all; anything and everything goes, and there is no time to think too deeply about it. In amongst this chaos however, a beautiful sense of presence seems to surface. Because there is so much to take in all at once, and so much stimulation to pull from. You HAVE to look and notice; because if you don't, you will get swallowed up in Hong Kong's constant typhoon of energy, and this is where I know I went wrong. 

I resented the storm, and longed for my personal space back. I so badly missed my old life that had been simple, calm, and somewhat lacking stimulation. I felt insignificant in my search of finding that something to hold me accountable again.

So I ran; retreated back to what was comfortable. Convinced myself that I was not strong enough to latch onto my initial reason for moving. I reacted suddenly to discomfort and regret. I impulsively took that step backwards. And I was under the impression that I had learnt not to make decisions with as much spontaneity as I had upon the move to Hong Kong. But truth is, my biggest learning from that step backward is to hold on when you think you cannot envision where the road is going. It is to live in the uncomfortable just as you would in the comfort. It is to continue the hike when you cannot see the view (something i also quite LITERALLY learnt overt there too!). 

So I admit it. I regret this decision. Just like, honestly, a lot of people said I would. I miss the mountains. I miss the abundance of energy. The stimulation. The HEAT. And of course there are a couple friends I miss who are just not replaceable. I still long to hike up never-ending climbs in 40 degrees, sweating profusely, with limited visability...only to reach a peak surrounded by clouds. I miss the madness of LKF, roaming in and out of bars, surrounded by expats drinking freely on the streets. Each day I crave a spontaneous and sometimes drunken night hike up Victoria Peak. And every day a part of me regrets that decision to retreat. Because, those people who told me why I would love it; they were so right. That city is more than the storm it appears to be. It is more than the lack of any personal space and air fresh enough to breath. It is a congested metropolis with a quick pulse surrounded by enough nature and outdoors to balance it all out. Funnily enough it matched the way in which I tend to live; sadly enough I did not see it.

So yes I am living with regrets. But that does mean that I am not on the right path. What is the right path anyway!? I don't think it exists. Your path is simply a string of decisions, ones that could have gone a very different way, and taken you on a completely different adventure. Decisions that you may or may not have thought over rationally. Not that it matters. Because life is moving; you are moving forward, carrying the strength of your past. Including your regrets. Your retrospective learnings, your fuck ups, are shaping your present and future decisions. And they may well bring you to the most rewarding view. So YES I'm owning up to living, and continuing to live with regrets. Because they are the reason I can now stay afloat when starting to lose a little faith. Holding me accountable. They are the reason I am no longer running when things are a little uncomfortable, and bring some sense and clarity when I cannot see the view.  My regrets are here to keep me living with a fierce passion; one that is  charging forward into the future with FIRE.