Diving into the Depths of my Mind

An unpacking of my last two Psychedelic trips, and the reasons why I won’t dive unguided into the deep again.

It’s been almost 4 years since my first LSD trip, and since then, I have put psychedelics on a pedestal. I have been under the belief that finding a ‘higher level of consciousness’ would be the fix that I’ve been so blindly searching for. A sense of purpose was created through the research and use of psychedelics, and my self worth held by the depths of which I was able to dive within these trips. However, I do not regret any of this, and only have the upmost respect for that world. With each trip I have been able learn, to forgive, to release, and have had some rather profound moments. And with every experience, I feel that I have changed for the better.

My most recent Mushroom experience was most definitely the most profound I have had. 

It will, however, be the last self guided journey for the foreseeable. 

Before this, my last LSD experience was an incredibly uncomfortable one, and was the first time I can honestly say that I emerged from the trip knowing that I would never go there again. One part of my brain had been taken hostage, while the other was watching an incredibly uncomfortable world unfold from afar. It was as if I had created my own distorted world of pain and hurt on constant loop in my head. Sounds and words from different times in my life played over and over in the most uncomfortable rhythm. There was no music. There was no time. One part of me couldn’t escape, whilst the other watched, knowing that this was not my physical being. I had thought that perhaps this was just the LSD, so took some time before diving into mushrooms again.

Months later, I did a deep mushroom trip. I went in intending to face the distorted place the LSD had conjured up, and release it from my mind. As I was falling in, my mind started to create it, and started to convince my body that I was there. Face to face, I made the decision to burn this part of my mind. And when I did,  

the sensation of hot fire coursed through a part of my brain. At this point, I was convinced that I’d done what I needed to do, and felt almost ecstatic. 

However, as I fell deeper into the trip, back came the distorted place once more. And this time, I was fully in. At one point I completely lost who I was, who I had been, and who I was to become. There was this bright intense light followed by a moment of nothing. And it was from this point that I understood that the plants had given me what I’d been looking for. That it was time to let go of the hold I have had on diving into the depths. Time to retreat, so that I can find my way back. They are sacred, and even though there is no lethal dose physiologically, it is very easy to stray close to the edge. These thoughts had been in my mind for the past few months, but perhaps I needed this last trip to be so fully immersed. To teeter on the edge of losing myself completely. 

Moments after I lost all details of my life, past, present and future, came a strong need to forgive myself. At that time I had no idea why, and had assumed it directly linked to a specific age and time. Only after, have I come to realise that this forgiveness was connected to my psychedelic search. And a promise that I will not again take such a deep dive into the depths of my mind without a guide.

It always comes back to purpose. As human beings we are wired to live life in search of it, but perhaps we don’t always need to get as lost along the way to find it. True presence was one of the first things that psychedelics taught me, and it is true that you are so intensely present on any trip. However, it is imperative to find this outside of that world; to find this in the life you are currently living every day in. It is easy to get caught up in the quest of purpose, and it is easy to lose yourself within the search. I do believe that our souls pass on after we die, and that we are more than our physical form. But, if our physical forms do not have purpose in the life we are currently living, then what is the point in living at all? 

The psychedelic world is a very real one that lives inside our minds, and it must be used to enhance the physical world as opposed to forget it. 

So now for me, I know in my heart that it’s time to stop, so that it’s still possible to return. We must have respect for psychedelics; honouring the growth they can create, and understanding their power. I firmly believe that these deep experiences should be done with a qualified guide, and with proper integration afterwards. Writing this piece has been my attempt to integrate this last experience, in hope that I can finally stop blindly searching for the answer. 

Because there is no answer. There is only the life that we are currently creating and living, with the people who surround us, and the experiences we are fortunate to have. Purpose is all around us, and I believe that we need to stop searching to really see it.